Alright, y'all.  I'm about to go IN on this blog post.  I only recommend reading this when you have some time to kill.  I mean, I literally just had one of those mid-twenties friendship vacations that change your whole life and you remember forever and you talk about to your kids and grandkids and they roll their eyes when you begin with, "Did I ever tell you about the time that my girlfriends and I went to Joshua Tree?" and they say "YES Gram," and can recite the whole trip back to you because that's how often you STILL talk about it.  THAT is the trip I just got back from.  I just had my very own Crossroads! (Remember that movie with the girl from Avatar, Pennsatucky, and a pre-head-shaving-Britney Spears? ICONIC.) So listen up y'all, cause this is it.  The beat that I'm banging is delicio.......Fergie get out of here I'm trying to tell a story.  Anywayzzzzz the blog post where I gush about arguably the best four days of my life begins RIGHT NOW! 

When I think about the Sammie of my childhood, (yes, new friends, I used to go by Sammie. I only changed it to the swanky spelling of Sami once I moved to Los Angeles.  Did your mind just blow up? No? Alright.) But when I think about her at 7 years old, with eyes too big for her head and a passion for Brian Littrell and penne with butter, and where she thought she'd be by 25 years old, I can't help but shake my damn head and smile.  At 25, I'd always thought I'd be with the man I would marry, if not already married to him, and getting ready for children.  When I was 15, I assumed I would've become a movie star within two years of graduating college and by 25 Nick Jonas and I would be very happy together.  And then somewhere along the way, 9 1/2 years happened, I am approaching my 25th birthday, and I am no closer to becoming a movie star than I am to dating Nick Jonas.  For so long, this bothered me.  For so long I cowered in the corner of whatever room I was sleeping in that month, crippled by the idea that I was nowhere near where I was "supposed to be by now."  I made no steps to further my career for the last two years out of total panic that if success hadn't just been handed to me by now, that maybe it never would.  I mean for God's sake, I haven't truly acted since I did Almost, Maine, the last semester of my senior year of college.  Sure I did a few levels of UCB and paraded that around like I was actually making moves, but I hid behind that small momentum for months to follow.

What I'm trying to say with all of this mumbo jumbo is that the inevitable approach of my quarter century marker has haunted me for, jeez, almost three years now.  I've seen birthdays as punishments ever since I turned 21, instead of gifts.  Another year older meant another inactive, unproductive, 365 days of laziness and waste.  I am trying to make you see how daunting my life appeared to me before, because the reason this mere four days in the desert means more to me than I can try to express right now, is because in just four days, everything I ever thought my life had to be, and everything I thought my life was, got blown apart and put back together.  Why is this important for YOU to be reading?  Why does this matter to YOU?  Why should YOU spend the next however long it takes you to get through this post reading about MY epiphany?  Because.  I know you've felt the way I did.  I know life seems like it just keeps throwing horse poop in front of your feet and you keep getting it all over your fancy new shoes and trailing horse poop smell with you wherever you go.  But that is just your ego and your false expectations you laid out for your life when you were 7 years old.  At 24, I feel like I stepped outside of myself, and saw my life on a timeline, and realized that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be and I want more people to know that that is possible.  

So, Olena, Lauren, (I will introduce you to her later) and I set out in O's car en route to Joshua Tree, excited, a bit expectant, but overall totally unaware of what was to come.  I got these few shots on the drive.  We talked about life and love, we laughed, we sang, and three hours later, we were there.  

**(As always, click each photo to view it full screen!)**

Joshua Tree is like stupid beautiful.  This was the first time I'd ever experienced a setting like this, and all I kept thinking was, "I have never been so happy to own a professional camera THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU PARENTS."  I mean it was like someone picked me up and dropped me into a cross between a Clint Eastwood film and the "I Knew You Were Trouble" music video, ya know, the one where Taylor Swift has a seizure in the middle of a desert for five minutes.  

Our Airbnb was the perfect vessel for us to share this "weekend." (We're calling it a weekend even though it was just a random four days smack dab in the middle of the week, k? Cause it had like the vibe of a weekend: no work, three nights/four days of escaping our routines and daily life.) It was this gorgeous ranch style house with the perfect blend of retro and industrial.  The decoration was bright and 1970's inspired, but also minimalistic and spacious.  Also, most of the walls were actually just sliding glass doors disguised as walls so there was natural light flooding in until about 8pm every night, casting interesting shadows and bathing us in warmth even indoors.  Honestly, I could have moved in.  It had that cozy homey feel, but it was so clean in that way that you want to maintain.  It was the type of clean that made you want to take your shoes off at the door and put things back where they came from but also you didn't feel like you couldn't spill or like you couldn't hang out in your pjs. These are the things my weird brain looks for in a dwelling.

So after arriving, we had a pamper night: exfoliating, face masks, manicures, pedicures, hair masks, dinner and a movie.  I captured this absolute gem of a photo of Olena, which makes me laugh every fucking time.  I can't with her.  We're friends because of this photo.  We do a lot of soul searching and evaluating and speaking our truths and all that shit, and then to balance ourselves out we do shit like this.  Our lives are the two of us taking ourselves REALLY SERIOUSLY and then taking the absolute piss out of ourselves.  Look at her.  I can't. 

So, as day one comes to a close, the three of us are already sad realizing there will come a time where it will end and we will be leaving.  

In keeping with my usual behavior of living with FOMO, I woke up the next morning at 6:15 so that I could attempt to snap some photos of the sunrise.  Even when the other two decided to stay in bed, I still couldn't resist.  Here's something you may not know about me: I have a real problem with sleeping in.  If I wake up past 9:30, I harbor this unreasonable guilt for having wasted sunlight.  It's annoying.  I also do not have the ability to nap.  Once I'm awake, no matter how few hours I let my body rest, I can not fall back asleep until the next night.  The few times I have napped in my life I have woken up feeling like I just lost 8 years of my life, unsure of what my name is or what language I speak.  So, once my alarm went off at 6 am, there was no turning back.  But I'm so glad I stuck to it.  I took some of my favorite photos I've ever taken that morning.  I can't even bring myself to reduce the size on most of them, that's how proud I am of them.  

Oh goodness!  How'd this selfie sneak in here!  Ugh that's so embarrassing!  JK, it's just that I had way too much other, better content for Instagram to upload, but I was feeling myself cause it was 7 am and I somehow didn't look like a creature on that old 90's cartoon "Aah! Real Monsters" like I usually do at 7 am, so here's a gratuitous picture of myself so that it doesn't just sit in my camera roll for no reason ok bye

O was still asleep when I got back but Lauren was awake, so the two of us sat by the window drinking coffee and getting engulfed in conversation, getting to know each other.  Okay.  So.  Lauren is a friend of Olena's.  She lives in New York, and we had met once before, but prior to this trip, I knew her solely as Olena's friend, separate from my friendship with O.  The only other time I had hung out with her, I thought she was a ball of light, and someone I would love to get to know better, but that was where it ended.  Going into the trip, I thought the three of us would have fun together, mesh well, and at the end of the weekend she'd go back to being just Olena's friend who I'd only see or talk to at functions involving Olena.  I never imagined in just four days I'd form a very independent and completely solid friendship with this person.  But that's what happened.  Lauren is the kind of person who you meet and you just want to keep finding out more about the life that led her to standing in front of you.  She is beautiful, inquisitive, sensitive, smart, worldly, deep, and remarkably special, but her best quality is her kindness.  She cooked every single meal for us that weekend, without so much as a heavy exhale.  She took care of us because that's who she is.  That's what gives her joy.  She is self-deprecating to a fault, she puts others first, and when you speak to her, she sees you for who you are.  I am so excited about this new relationship in my life, and I am confident that if ever I needed to call someone and cry, I could just as easily call her as I could anyone else in my life.  

She also likes to be naked.  Not in an in-your-face, flaunty, or obnoxious way.  She likes to be naked in a this-is-the-way-we-came-into-this-earth-why-be-ashamed-of-it kind of way.  I took this photo of her when we went into town.  I told her to pretend she was hitchhiking, and she took it one step further by lifting her shirt.  This is why you need friends.  You are capable of making great decisions and creating beautiful things, and then friends come in and shed a completely different light on the same idea and together you create something unique and better than it ever could have been if either of you had at it alone.  Being around someone so free was cleansing.  Lauren unlocked a new part of me, and made me realize that when she and Olena became friends, she unlocked that same part in her.  Before Joshua Tree, O needed Lauren for different reasons than she needed me, because she could be one side of herself with me and another side of herself with Lauren.  But the three of us came together for four days and let ourselves be all that we are and Olena's birthday vacation turned into something that was all of ours.  

I don't want to give a play by play for the rest of the trip, because as I write this I realize that what was so special about our time in Joshua Tree was not the activities we did or the the scenery we saw.  The beauty was not in the itinerary, but in every crevice in between.  I know, my corniness knows no bounds right now.  I give you full permission to roll your eyes and make fun of me for this whole post if you must, but that negative energy is all on you.  It won't bother me for one second.  I'm as close to invincible right now as a human could possibly be because I feel like my life was reborn into something more than it was before.  You know what it was? In between the hikes and the meals and the bonfires, and the marshmallow roasting and wine drinking and photoshoots, we accepted each other for everything that we were, passed no judgement onto the others, and in doing so, we were able to accept ourselves.  This maturation united and bonded the three of us, and that's just one reason this vacation is everlasting.  

The day before we left Joshua Tree was one of those days where everything just falls into place and for no specific reason everyone is just really fucking happy.  We drove to Joshua Tree National Park, and found the perfect spot to hike and take photos of one another.  Any insecurity I have about my body seemed nowhere to be found. When two models are telling you how beautiful you are, and when you see that there are even insecurities in the most exceptional of beauties like my two friends, you can't help but start to see yourself in a different light. Without recognizing when the shift took place, I found myself allowing these women to take photos of me that are bolder than any other photos I have of myself.  We were each others cheerleaders and supporters that day.  We were a team.  At one point I stepped on a cactus prick that hurt so bad I started crying.  Lauren stepped in and yanked it out for me because she saw that I couldn't.  It was an equal partnership and we were there for one another and we all got what we wanted out of the day.  No one had to compromise or sacrifice or settle.  

That night, we got into our comfiest clothes, watched the sunset and shared quite possibly the most open and vulnerable conversations we've ever had.  If it weren't for this last night, we would have gone back the next day refreshed and fulfilled, but it would not have ended up this unforgettable once in a lifetime trip.  Our last night in Joshua Tree was the night that everything clicked and our friendships changed forever.  We laughed, we cried, we hugged, we shared, and we grew.  It was the first time maybe ever that I felt my age.  I remember seeing my reflection that night, and for the first time in my life, a woman was looking back at me.  Not a child, not a teenager, but a fully developed, strong woman, with curves, and opinions, and secrets, and beauty.  A whole lot of beauty.  The way our conversation unfolded, I began to see myself the way these two independent and special women see me.  There is always going to be something about me that I am prepared and willing to change, but somewhere in the midst of exchanging secrets and imagining our futures, I let go of everything that's been holding me back from becoming the woman I always thought I could be.  Gone are the days of not loving my body, and gone are the days of shying away from what I was put on this earth to do.  I love myself, and I think I'm beautiful and an awesome actor, and I moved to California with two suitcases and I cook my own food sometimes and I'm making friends and I'm creating a life for myself that I am proud of and fear just doesn't fit in my schedule anymore.  I can't explain to you how one night could change so much, all I know is that it did.  

Friendship and family are what life is really about at its core.  If you were to dissect what makes a fulfilled life, success matters, but only when your success is shared.  If tomorrow I lost everyone who cared about me, but in the same day, booked a leading role in a film that would go on to win Academy Awards, it wouldn't even matter. Let's say I win best actress for said film.  If there were no people who loved me or cared about me, what would be the point of an acceptance speech?  Life isn't just about your successes or your failures, it's about who's standing beside you cheering you on.  Life isn't about the award, it's about the acceptance speech.  These girls are forever friends.  Every failure will be manageable, and every success will mean so much more with them by my side.

Lauren captured this moment in time below.  What's happening is I am hysterically laughing at my own expense.  I popped back inside to get our bluetooth speaker so we could listen to music as the sun went down.  Now, remember how our Airbnb house was pretty much wall to wall sliding glass doors?  Do you see where this is going?  Well, I grab the speaker, and start running full force outside to get back to my friends, when all of a sudden, I am airborne.  I ran FULL FORCE into the glass, like a FREAKING BIRD.  I ricocheted off the door and fell about five feet back, and burst out into a very long fit of laughter, and this is that.  It makes me so happy, and I kind of wish the enormous bruise I got in return was a scar, because every time I look at it, I crack up all over again. 

The most eye opening discovery of the entire trip happened in a conversation O and I had after the sun went down.  We realized that after twelve years of friendship, that we're...best friends?  I know it doesn't make sense, and anyone who knows us could have told you that, but we were the two last people to see our friendship for what it was.  I was having a hard time just now coming up with the right words to say to accurately portray what she means to me, and then she posted an article on my facebook wall about a woman hiding a piece of poop in her purse because her date's toilet didn't flush, and now the words are flowing out of me.  No one has ever understood me in the certain way Olena does.  Olena sees my flaws and she sees my best assets and she knows my soul.  She has stood by my side for twelve years and we're so blind that we didn't even see this whole time that we were each other's best friend.  

Olena was always that person for me who I never had to try hard to keep in my life.  Our friendship was always easy.  She was just always right there.  It's understood that we are never going to be without each other because we each could literally write the book on the other person.  She knows when my anxiety is flaring up before I do, and she knows what I need to hear, even if it's not what I want to hear.  There have been so many hard times that we've had to face, and we get through each and every single one without a doubt in either of our minds that we won't make it.  When I get angry with her, it's the same as when I get angry with a member of my family.  We're not afraid to call each other out, or hurt the other's feelings, because we've always got the other's best interest at heart.  Even at our worst, I have her back, and know that she'll be in my life forever.  If at any point she tried to tell me she didn't want to be my friend anymore, I'd say something like "HAHAHA yeah OKAY, good luck with that" and probably throw a water bottle at her or something. I feel like life picked us for each other, and we had no say in the matter.  I feel like she was born my sister, just to different parents.  The fact that she's not actually my blood relative means that we still have to choose each other as the person we take on life with, and I always will.   She is who all future boyfriends have to go through, and who the sentence "I won't tell anyone" doesn't apply to. 

How it took us twelve years of wishing we each had a friendship that people write movies about, to realize that our person was standing right next to us the entire time, I'll never understand.  We got matching tattoos together! We moved across the country together!  You don't move across the country and get tattoos with someone who you're not absolutely sure will always be there.  That's why our move was so easy.  We had each other here.  We had family.  How did we never realize how huge our friendship was? What I do know is that this night marked a turning point in our friendship and in our lives because now we both feel like we can relax.  Life is a lot easier to navigate when you know for damn sure you've got someone on deck ready to bat for you for the rest of your life.  I have helped her with money when she was having a rough time, she has taken me into her home when I had nowhere to go.  That is some deep-rooted love right there.  She's my person, my wingman, my co-pilot, my maid of honor, my co-conspirator, my voice of reason, and my confidante.  I hope everyone on this earth finds themselves an Olena, because everyone deserves a bond that is unbreakable and insurmountable.

Okay, so, follow along with me for a second.  I'm gonna try to describe something that's pretty hard to describe.  It's very rare that you see revealing moments in your life for what they are while you're still in them.  When you do, it's a transcending experience.  Have you ever had one of those moments where you're with friends, or family, or a loved one, or maybe even by yourself, but all of a sudden, you're overcome with happiness and you realize how lucky you are in that specific moment?  Like, let's say you're in the car with your best friends and an epic song comes on the radio and the windows are down and you're all singing along and you look around at your friends and your hearing gets kind of blurry cause you stop focusing on what's happening and focus on how happy you are in that instant.  Long ago, Olena and I deemed these experiences, "life moments." They are those special fleeting moments in life where you are able to step outside your body, take inventory of all your blessings, and appreciate what you've got.  

Our trip to Joshua Tree was one long life moment.  We named it our life trip, and we are going to make it a tradition of our fierce lady friendship for as long as we have one, and one day our kids will have sleepovers together while their moms are on their "life trips" and then they'll start having their own life trips, and the wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town.  

Alright, you've officially made it to the other side of this blog post alive.  I just had to share what a transformative experience I lived.  I wasn't kidding when I said 2016 would be the year that separates my past from my future, and moments like this one are reminders that that is absolutely so.  At 24, I have true friends throughout the country, and across the world who I love and who love me.  One day I will have children and a husband and a routine and these are the days I will look back on as the best days of my life.  Just like the cactus pricks that I am still finding all over my body, our weekend in Joshua Tree, and the beautiful friendships attached to it are stuck with me forever.   

If you've ever had a "life moment" and want to talk about it, or feel moved by anything I've written, or saw a photo you particularly liked, or anything else that pops into your head that you'd like to say, I'd love for you to share it below.  I don't want to just write to read my own words, that's what a journal is for.  I want to reach people and relate with people!  So go ahead and share something :)

OH, and here's a link to that poop story Olena sent me:

http://mashable.com/2016/03/22/cool-poop-story/#5o3Z0BNEfiqr