One of those days where my fingers want to move and my brain wants to flow so I take to this platform as my free therapy session.  No real direction is being formed, I just feel heavy in my chest and want to exercise my favorite method of recuperation.  Is recuperation a word?  Too lazy to look it up.  You can let me know if I just made it up, because even if I did, I'm alright with that. 

It is my fifth day back in sunny SoCal, and I feel like I'm coming back with a purpose, with force and determination.  Several good things have been happening since my return, so it's hard to pinpoint where this fatigue I feel is coming from.  Of course, it probably has something to do with the fact that I haven't given myself a period of rest in about a month, maybe longer.  You may be thinking, "Sami you spoiled little brat.  In the last month you've been unemployed, traveled to Santa Barbara and San Fransisco, and gotten to spend two weeks at home with your loved ones.  Wow, you're really transforming into a Kardashian living out there in LA, appreciate what you have and stop whining about being tired."  And to that I'd say, YUUUP.  100% correct.  Granted, my trip home was nowhere near relaxing, and I promise I'll get to that when I have a full day to work on that post, but trust me when I say it was more stressful than it was relaxing by a long shot.  But I need to fucking quit feeling sorry for myself for being exhausted.  I chose this life.  I chose this life the second I agreed to play Maria in West Side Story my sophomore year of high school.  

Here's something not many people know about me: I was an architecture student.  In my high school we had an incredible architecture program under one of the greatest influencers I was lucky enough to have growing up.  (Mr. Saccente what's good?!)  I spent five years (no, I wasn't held back, I started high school in the 8th grade) learning and honing this skill, and when the time to pick majors and apply for colleges arrived, I had a decision to make.  Lucky enough for me, it was a clear one; a decision I spent barely any time at all making.  From the moment I arrived at my first rehearsal for my first leading role in a musical, my fate was sealed.  I have never regretted my path since that day.  But I could use a reminder every now and again.  I chose this life.  If I had chosen architecture, I could be living on my own working a stable job making an actual income and a decent living.  Yet, here I am.  Rather than sit here and keep feeling sorry for myself because of the situation I HAVE PUT MYSELF IN, I think it'd be valuable to type these words out and have to read it for myself to see how silly it is to be frustrated.  It's a waste of time.  

People from my alma mater have come to me for advice from time to time.  I'm not sure why, because I'm a flailing mess, and I'm unclear as to why others would want to take after me at all.  That being said, I'm a risk taker, and I think others may see my spontaneity as inspiring?  Not sure.  Either way, if anyone reading is someone that has come to me for advice, the next thing I have to say is the BIGGEST lesson I have learned in post-grad life.

You think you know the way the rest of your life is going to be shaped.  You are going to be disappointed.  Your life is not going to move as fast as you'd like it to.  You may have a timeline for the things you want to do and achieve.  Let go of that AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.  No, now.  Let go of that timeline now.  You may think you're prepared for the next chapter of your life, but you're straight up just not.  I'm not trying to scare you, or maybe I am, but you need to be prepared.  The beauty of the next few years of your life is just how hard they turn out to be.  The first few years post grad, you'll see a lot of your friends start changing their paths, taking random jobs or going down a different course that doesn't match their degree.  Support them.  Be there for them.  This industry is the most difficult one, and everyone thinks they're cut out for it while at college surrounded by supporters and helping hands, but then the real world says "SURPRISE!" and slams a door in your face.  The people who decide after all that time and money spent, that they want to go down a different path are going to need encouragement and lots of love and friendship, so make sure you're there to give it to them.  The few years post grad are there to test you.  It's exactly like the first time your parents take the training wheels off of your bicycle.  You think you've become the master at the skill you've been practicing for four years, and then life takes your training wheels off and you forget everything you've been taught and panic sets in.  

If you're like me (a psycho) and still choose to act after those first few years go by post-graduation, then you have what it takes to make it, as long as you keep climbing that ladder, and any hardship that you face following that point is ON YOU.  You will have shitty jobs.  You will have shitty living situations.  You will feel alone.  You will live paycheck to paycheck.  You will want to be eating healthy but only be able to afford snacks and frozen meals.  You need to accept that life is going to be really hard for a long time and the only person making your life so hard is yourself.  I know it seems impossible, and I'm really talking to myself because I need to hear this right now, but you need to limit your complaints as much as you can.  

Every time I go into one of my suitcases to find an outfit and get frustrated over the fact that I'm still living out of them, I have to step back and think about what life would have been like if I had chosen architecture.  No one else chose this life for me but myself, and I have to believe it will work itself out and one day I'll romanticize this time in my life and be thankful for it for making me appreciate all the good that came of it.  

You should also prepare yourself for a few years of heartbreak.  I think this generation, myself very much included, is too protective of our hearts.  You can't protect yourself forever.  You're in your early twenties.  You are going to get hurt.  A lot.  You're supposed to.  By a lot of different people.  By the same person multiple times.  By your friends, too.  You don't usually factor in the damage to your heart that your own friends can do, but it happens.  Learn to forgive, because the people who you have accumulated in your life are there for a reason, and you will need them to get through this transitional period.  Let yourself get hurt.  Let people take you out on dates if they want to.  Let that guy buy you that drink if he wants.  This is the age of experimentation.  Knocking down the fortress you've spent your whole life building around your heart, though it sounds scary, is necessary.  If you don't, you'll be left alone, and you won't understand why you're single when you think you're such a catch.  You've done it to yourself.  Make mistakes.  Make them often.  They say when you meet your partner, you know.  Well, you'll never know if you never open yourself to the possibility.  Say yes more, and don't put too much pressure on yourself to find the person you're going to marry this early in life.  

I don't know, I just said a lot of shit.  I hope it made sense.  Ultimately, most of the lessons you learn in your life come from some pretty awful experiences.  That's how you grow.  That's how you become the person you're going to be.  Read a lot.  It helps.  Make playlists for every mood.  That helps, too.  And above all else, remember that if you are in good health and you have people who love you, you are doing far better than you think you are, and you will make it to the other side of whatever you're going through.  

I love you people, unless I don't know you.  Then, I just appreciate you a lot.  Have a really wonderful week and try not to take whatever you're going through out on anyone else.  Unless they physically harmed you in some way, then you're allowed to kick some ass.  Tell them I told you so.  

Thanks for reading, beautiful humans! Xo