Oh boy, you guys.

Happy 2017!  This year has started off strong for me, with some positive changes and a healthier state of mind, which I can probably attribute to being able to be home for the holidays.  Each time I go home I claim that that time it's "particularly harder" to say goodbye, but the truth is it's really fucking hard every time.  Each time I go home and come back to Los Angeles, I reflect on something different.  It seems that the level of difficulty of the departure from the nest remains the same but the reasons why are what varies.  For the privacy of myself and my family, I don't feel like sharing 2016's reasons why; instead I'd rather focus on what makes New Jersey and New York such special places to me, and why I hold Christmas time so near and dear to my heart.

This is a photo of me the day after I arrived.  I had just gotten my hair cut by Marissa at Guillotine Salon and Spa, which I HIGHLY recommend for an affordable cut you'll love if you live in Union County!  I felt awesome.  I felt attractive and sexy AND beautiful, which are three very different feelings, each one more empowering than the next.  Something about being in New Jersey just makes me feel beautiful.  I would look in the mirror and see a thinner, fitter, more attractive girl with better skin and a better ass than the girl I see in the mirrors in LA.  It's crazy.  How revealing is that of how much more confident I am when I'm where I feel I belong?  I'm reminded of that Audrey Hepburn quote, "Happiest girls are the prettiest girls," and I couldn't agree more.  In LA it's inevitable to start comparing yourself and scanning other girls features, analyzing all of yours you wish you could change, and eventually your eyes start to play tricks on you. Think about it.  Next time you have a "bad hair day" or "nothing to wear," think about the mood you woke up in.  I'll bet you it wasn't a positive one, and that your outfit actually looks awesome. 

The little town I grew up in is, in my opinion, the most perfect place to grow up.  I had access to a great education with some really passionate teachers, without being sheltered.  I was immediately exposed to diverse cultures and ways of life, and that absolutely corresponds to who I am today.  I grew up in one of those suburbs where everyone knows everyone and word travels fast, which at times I hated, but because of that, it will always be home.  Roselle Park is so much of my identity, and every time I'm back inside it's one square mile, I can't help but feel so fuzzy. 

Hehe.  That's me again.  I just like my hair oK

Once every year, the Matarantes trade our native hats for tourist ones.  We head into the city and bounce from sight to sight, because it's Christmas and you just have to.  Any other day of the year you will never find me in Times Square or most of midtown, to be honest, but on this one day I do not care.  

There is nothing like the smell of hot nuts on every corner, or the flow of foot traffic, or the festive lights everywhere you turn, or the cold breeze on your skin that makes New York the perfect place to be for the holiday season.

And before I knew it, it was Christmas Eve.  

Christmas Eve is kind of a bigger deal in my family than Christmas Day.  We are Italian, and we are from New Jersey, so we live by tradition.  Since I was born, Christmas Eve has been spent at our house, with my mom's side of the family, enjoying the Feast of the Seven Fishes, with the "adults" at one table, and the "children" at another.  Of course, now we're all old enough that the kids table is just the five of us (and now Meg, my brother's girlfriend, who is family at this point) drinking wine and laughing about dating escapades and real life adult stuff, but we refuse to join the adults table, on principle alone.

Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year.  It's the one day a year that will always be non-negotiable when it comes to jobs and future boyfriends.  That is our day, and I hope it never changes.  We eat unhealthy amounts of food, drink Chianti and Pinot Grigio, speak at the top of our lungs, try and win money from scratch offs, laugh, play games, open presents in order from youngest to oldest, take obnoxious photos, make fun of Ali for falling asleep, and then everyone leaves around midnight and Ry and I put on our Christmas jammies and try to sleep.

Kendall Jenner, eat your heart out.  (Yes, she was really asleep like this.)

Really proud of this photo of my cousin Tyler.  We think it looks like he's about to drop a mixtape.  Here's to hoping he follows through with the new plan I created for his life.

Yet another tradition near and dear to my family is Christmas morning.  When Ryan and I were little, we used to wake up pretty much at he crack of dawn, and sit at the top of our stairs until Mom and Dad said it was okay to come down.  We still do this.  Ryan, 22, and I, 25, will wake each other up, and run into our parents room to wake them up as well, because we're insensitive greedy children who don't care that they were up incredibly late wrapping presents and presenting them under the tree.  They head downstairs for finishing touches and we sit on the top step together as we wait.  Still.  And when Mom gives us the OK, we walk down the steps together for the big reveal.  Again, we are 22 and 25.

Our last tradition that we will continue to do probably until we have children and are not spending Christmas morning at Mom and Dad's anymore, is take a photo together amongst all the garbage and wrapping paper once we've finished tearing through our presents.  It's a tradition we love because we are so happy in that moment, so full of love and new gifts and gratitude, and it's wonderful having that captured.  It's a tradition I will keep going when I have a family, and hopefully they will keep it going forevermore.  

This photo is the only proof I had that I got to see my twisted sister while I was home.  The longest and one of the truest friendships I have.  We always have a blast together, and this time was no different.  There's just nothing like a friend who's known you almost as long as you've known yourself.  Literally 20 years with this bitch.  There are no secrets, and there is no fooling one another.  Kimmi Gibler and DJ Tanner forever.

What's a trip to the east coast without my favorite guy?  I took a train into Brooklyn to spend a day with Dilly.  I got to see his new apartment, we walked around his new neighborhood, we had sandwiches and beer at an adorable French spot, stopped in Rough Trade to get some records, he showed me some stuff he's been working on, and then we headed to the recording studio he's been working with.  He's such a go-getter, and his life in Brooklyn made me so jealous.  I miss New York so much, and seeing him always puts that in perspective.  For now I have to settle for one or two visits a year, but I long for the day I don't have to just visit anymore, when New York is my home again and to see my best friend all I have to do is hop on a subway or take a quick walk instead of hop on a plane.  

Alas, Christmas is over and so is my time at home.  I have been back for about two weeks now, I've moved into a new home that I'm in love with in Silverlake with a neighbor who I think smokes crack, and I'm incredibly excited for what is to come in this upcoming year.  I have a lot of goals, and a revitalized soul, and I know people hate when others say, "New Year, new me," but this is the first time I've actually felt that way.  Moving into a new apartment, the first one that my name has been on in TWO whole years, is a big and exciting change, and I finally feel like now my feet are planted and my career can take off.  Bring it on 2017, I'm coming for ya.