Woke up this morning with a brick on my chest. Checked my phone and Kobe’s death wasn’t the top trending story on twitter anymore. Replaced by impeachment trials…back to reality. Instagram feed looks back to normal. Memes, witty captions, and selfies. Because life goes on, and it should. But all of it feels so meaningless to me.
I am not a basketball fan, so I honestly don’t know that much about Kobe Bryant. I do know that his is the name that we call out boastingly as we successfully toss our rolled up paper towels into the trash can. And I do know that the day of his last game, every sports bar in Los Angeles was packed out with people wanting to be able to say they witnessed history. But honestly, that’s about as far as my knowledge extends.
And yet I sit here, feeling so much. I learned more about Kobe’s life after it ended, and to see the global reach he had as a hero, the intellect and respect he exuded, and the second act he was only beginning as an activist and a father was stunning to me.
For someone who knew so little about him, I feel taken aback. I feel inappropriate jumping back into social media; I cannot stop thinking about his wife and daughters, and the families and friends of the other seven souls lost yesterday. Society is already trying to move on to the next thing, but their grief has just begun. I haven’t bounced back to the social media routine because it feels so wildly unimportant to me at the moment.
But, this is not the first time I’ve reacted this way to a celebrity death, or a non-celebrity death for that matter. I knew barely anything about Mac Miller, and I had the same reaction. I shed tears, my heart burst for his loved ones and fans, and I couldn’t move on as quickly as the world seemed to, and I didn’t actually understand why.
In these trying times, I can never seem to stop thinking about those closest to the departed as soon as the world seems to. It affects me longer than feels appropriate, especially given that I don’t know these people personally. Why is that? Is there anyone who feels me on this?
I’ve been accused before of having an inappropriate reaction to a death of someone who I knew but not as well as others around me. Almost like I didn’t have the right to cry or feel so deeply because there are people more deserving of that sorrow. Like I’m trying to make it about me. I hate that. I like that I feel so deeply. Empathy is a quality that I’m proud to have. I don’t want to have to bury emotions when they are swelling inside. I take pride in being as grounded and connected as I am and if that means that when others hurt, I hurt…then I’m willing to bear that cross.
I scrolled and scrolled through tributes to Kobe yesterday. I think I’m realizing literally right now that there is so much beauty that comes immediately following the passing of someone we love and respect. There is so much love put out into the universe immediately following a tragedy. There is love being given to the families of the departed, there are memories of the good times being talked about, and there are strangers becoming community to hold each other up. I find it hauntingly beautiful that there are those in this world we love and respect so much that to lose them it is unimaginably painful. Aren’t we so lucky to care about others to that capacity? There is so much light following the dark and I think I like to just live in that a little longer.
I guess I’m putting this out there because it’s where I’m at and I feel like the brick is being lifted from my chest as I type this all out. This has always been the way I process my emotions and I refuse to stifle that because someone else might not like it. I also believe there are other empaths out there who grieve like I do and I don’t want you to feel like your grief is inappropriate or “too much.” There is space in the world for people like you and it’s okay if you still feel heavy today and tomorrow and as long as it takes. Keep feeling all the feels. Hug your loved ones so tight and don’t keep shit in. You never know what moment is your last. Don’t spend a day in regret. Say what you need to say and love fiercely. And grieve at the pace you need.
My whole heart goes out to the families and loved ones of Kobe and Gianna Bryant, John, Keri, and Alyssa Altobelli, Christina Mauser, Sarah and Payton Chester, and Ara Zobayan. May you find light in this darkness.