The higher you fly, the harder you fall.
So you know when you wake up and look at your phone and you overslept and your hair looks like shit but you're late for whatever you're headed to and all day things keep happening to you that make your mood worse and then at the end of the day you drink a glass or 5 of wine and think "Wow, what a terrible day"? Well I may have just had my worst "what a terrible day" day, yet. No one died, my health is fine, and everyone I love is okay, but I had my first bad day of 2016, and boy was it a doozy.
I had to say goodbye to my parents yesterday, which is enough for one week to leave me highly emotional and vulnerable. But yesterday I had to leave my parents, to go into work, to get fired. I take pride in my work ethic. Whatever job I find for myself, I make sure that I become one of the best and hardest workers at that establishment. I've never been fired from anything. And today, I got fired. Fired from a job I have worked for almost a year and a half. Fired from a job that became my second home. Fired from a job I enjoyed. Fired from a job I kind of felt invincible in. Then I cut my finger on glass.
What a terrible day.
Day one of being jobless, I cried a lot and I cried HARD. I can't remember the last time I cried like that. Loud and ugly and uninhibited and snotty and wholly felt. I think I'm still in shock, but day one was full of sadness and feelings of worthlessness and loneliness and embarrassment. I don't think I deserved it. I'll never agree with them.
Let me head this by saying that I fucked up. I made a mistake. I know how to own up to my own faults. I was aware I had made a mistake and felt completely ashamed and guilty about it. However, I stand by my belief that my mistake was nowhere near termination-worthy. The details aren't important. All you need to know is that I put a year and almost four months of my life into that place. I had trained so many people who are now on that payroll. I made real relationships with the people I worked with and some of the regulars I had. I could have and probably should have walked out on that restaurant so many times over the past year, but I chose to stay and stick it out and not abandon my team.
All of this, to get fired over a completely human and not at all serious mistake. I should also mention several people made the exact same mistake THIS WEEK and I'm the only one who got fired? Hmmm sounds just about fucking right. OH WAIT, NOPE, THAT'S RIDICULOUS. Ok, so maybe I'm still bitter. Forgive me, it's only day two.
Day one felt like the universe shitting on me. Olena and I talked about this because it had been my first bad day since Joshua Tree, and she had a similar experience with her first bad day post-Joshua Tree and I know you're all sick and tired of hearing about Joshua Tree but what came after was intense, radiant, positivity. Positivity so powerful that makes it hard for the universe to give you things you can't handle. So strong that it takes a lot more to bring you down, a lot more to make you doubt God, or the universe, or yourself, whatever it is that you choose to put your faith in. I told Olena it's as if for this last month, the universe was like "Hmmm, wow, she's handling life so well, that's so unlike her! There's gotta be something to get her down, what's gonna make her crack?" And congratulations, universe, you found the formula to Sami's sadness: take away her income and stability!
I just want you to see how pathetic I looked. Those are boys boxers. I'm wearing boxers, a tee, drinking a beer, and wearing sunglasses inside a complete mess of an apartment. Stay in school, kids. And don't let the man get you down.
Day two started out almost worse than day one. Not so many tears, but all the worthlessness. I'm still wearing the Ellen shirt and underwear (I'll explain how I got these items in the next post!) that I put on after I got home yesterday. I decided to spend the day watching YouTube and eating snacks and not leaving my bed, since I now have all the time in the world for responsibilities. And then something kind of unexpected and weird happened. I fell into the YouTube black hole, and ended up watching a bunch of ASMR videos, (if you don't know what that is, look it up. It's weird and seems almost fetishy, but it's so wonderful and calming and euphoric) and I feel like I'm almost on the other side of this downward spiral already. There's something about a stranger creepily whispering in your ear "you're gonna be okay" for twenty five minutes by way of your headphones in the comfort of your own bed that makes you actually believe it? Did I lose you all there? It's freaky, I know. Don't knock it til you've tried it.
I actually truly believe this is a crossroads for me. What I do with my life right now is what matters. What I choose to make of this shitty predicament is what will determine my happiness. So the big bad wolf says you're not a good fit for his establishment, you turn around and tell him he's right. You're better than a part time job at an uptight restaurant with the shittiest pay you've ever gotten from a part time job. You're fucking right I'm not a good fit. I'm not meant to be a fucking waitress to people who come to a restaurant to be served and then forget to tip. I'm not meant to be someone who serves people who get angry if you put one too many ice cubes in their drink. I'm an actor, and you telling me I don't fit in your establishment is the highest compliment you could have given me. So thanks, heartless humans who poorly manage the restaurant I no longer work at. Thank you.
I also have to extend the warmest gratitude to all of my friends who still have to work at that place for all the love and encouragement they've sent my way. Your disappointment in my departure means more than you know, and it's you guys that I don't want to have to leave. Thank you for wrapping me up into your little social circles and welcoming me into your lives and making Los Angeles feel like it could quite possibly become my home. You guys did that. Our friendships go far beyond that hotel, and just because you won't see me making any more Crisps, that doesn't mean we won't ever be drinking tequila together ever again.
I'll get my positivity back, I already feel it peeking it's head out from behind the shadows of my mind. I definitely got all my crying out of my system, and now it's time to give more focus to what I moved here to do. While I collect unemployment (thanks again, heartless management), I vow to spend my time exercising the right side of my brain, diving into my art, whether it be photography, getting into an acting class, working at my guitar skillz, or singing in the shower, or ALL OF THE ABOVE! Who knows, I have so much more room for activities, and I wouldn't be me if I didn't at least try to make something wonderful out of this pile of shit I was dealt.
This felt good. Gonna be okay, y'all. Don't worry about me. Cause I got all my life to live, and I got all my love to give, and I'll survive. I WILL SURVIVE. HEY HEY! I may need to not handle glass for a while though, cause clearly I can't get that down yet.