my choice — THE JONES

Guys. I've been really happy lately. I know that shouldn't make sense since I've been alone in the apartment and my job let me go, but I think Justin Timberlake heard about my shitty circumstances and came out with "Can't Stop The Feeling" just for me. I'm sure you've heard it by now, but if you haven't, stop reading this RIGHT NOW and find it, jam the fuck out for a few minutes, and don't come back until the song is over. I'll wait.

Welcome back! Did you just have a solo dance party? Cause I do every time I hear it. I mean, in the past month, though it's been a difficult one, I've been able to look forward. I've taken myself on hikes, on photography adventures, I've both aced and failed auditions, (but at least I'm getting myself there), I've been to yoga almost every day, I've hung out with people who have become my Los Angeles family, I've even made NEW friends during this time, I've surprised myself by sticking to learning guitar, and LEMONADE IS IN MY LIFE NOW. I mean, that's enough to cheer any girl up forever. I take Vitamin D every day, and I think that combined with the LA sunshine, healthy eating, Radiohead putting out a new album, and actually booking something (that I can't talk about yet!!!) has me looking at my life through rejuvenated eyes. I honestly feel amazing. I feel beautiful, I feel proud, I feel confident, and I feel joyous.

I do feel like I have to mention something before I move on. I feel like my blog has become these seemingly hopeful pep talks where I have to tie in that I'm not just some unrealistic, anti-pessimism robot, to make others feel they can relate to me. I still have bad days all the time. I feel like a broken record saying that. But that's what comes out of me when I sit here typing away, because that's what means the most to me. I never want someone to read this blog and feel like they can't relate because I'm so positive these days, or misinterpret my excitement for bragging. Do you have any idea what it took to get to this point? Guys. A year and a half ago I was severely depressed. I mean, I doubt I went a day without crying, or tearing myself apart, or bingeing on junk food and counteracting with overexertion. It took so much work to get to today.

I'm going to say something that I've never told anyone, and that I've never even said out loud. On my 23rd birthday, I was the loneliest person on the planet. I felt like a burden to the people in my life. I made no plans, and stayed far away from technology, because I knew I'd have to read message after message of well wishes, from people who had no intention of actually celebrating with me. I sat on the fire escape of my sixth floor walk up Washington Heights apartment, weeping, and for a few minutes I imagined what would happen if I jumped. It was my darkest moment, my lowest of lows, to actually fantasize about making the lives of the people around me better by disappearing. Of course, just the fleeting thought was enough to make me cry harder, realizing how selfish and irrational I was, get off the fire escape, and close the damn window. I would have NEVER acted on a thought like that, even at my lowest, but it bothered me to my core that I even had the thought.

Here I am, 20 months later, and I am the most consistently happy I've ever been. Every day it's a choice. To love my body for its capabilities and health instead of how chiseled it's not, to dismiss the negativity that creeps its way back in, to look at how far I've come instead of how far I have to go. Happiness is my choice. It's not like I wake up every morning like a Disney princess on prozac, instead I wake up and take conscious steps to make my life better. I choose to pick up new hobbies, like photography, and guitar, and blogging. I choose make my bed in the morning and open my blinds and dance to Justin Timberlake like no ones watching even though I've definitely seen my neighbor catch a glimpse a few times.

So I'm celebrating this victory of mine! And this is my blog, my diary, my account of my own life. Yes, I've opened it up to the public to be viewed and criticized, but it's not mandatory, so if you feel like I'm shoving happiness down your throat or that I'm getting too braggy or preachy, then close out of this tab and find a way to make your life one with less judgement, and maybe get yourself a jar of Vitamin D gummies.

Um, wow, unexpected rant there. I just came here to upload some photos, but then I word vomited. I've taken a bunch of pictures in the last two weeks, so enjoy!

That brings us to the end of this blog post! Tonight I pick O up from the airport and we'll probably hug for about 4 hours and then talk for 12, but after that I'm sure we'll go on some adventure that I'll end up documenting here. We always do. I hope whatever kind of day or week or year you're having, you are able to look at all the blessings around you, and feel comforted and loved. You are never the only one experiencing something, and people will surprise you, if you let them in. And listen to Lemonade. Have a kickass day, friends!

XO