It's been a while since I sat down, put fingers to keyboard and let my stream of consciousness do its thing. I woke up to a text from one of my best friends about John Mayer's latest release, and I've been listening to it ever since, and now I'm in my happy place and I just felt that itch!
Ya know, today has been a really good day, tacked on to a really good month. For no reason in particular. I'm just happy. There's no reason I should be so happy today. I woke up with the minor echoes of a hangover, lingering just enough to remind me that I'm not 18 anymore, almost like a warning. I have to work in three hours, so I can't really do anything that fun with my day, like go hiking with Li and Greg. I also stepped on an unidentifiable sharp object and now my foot is bleeding, so all of these are things that could amount to a "bad day," but today I chose to laugh at it and keep playing John Mayer on repeat.
Let me just talk about John Mayer for one second. Okay so before Battle Studies, I'll be honest, I didn't get his whole thing. I thought John Mayer was just an artist like Train and U2, put on the earth for parents everywhere to have something to listen to on their way to Costco. (Except for you mom, thanks for listening to The Cure and Peter Paul and Mary. Dad, I'm talking to you. STEP AWAY FROM THE ABBA ALBUM.) I thought he was just a shallow pop artist with cookie cutter songs. And then Battle Studies came out. I was a freshman in college, which is a weird time in a person's life. I was going through a lot of things, falling in love, getting hurt, making friends, getting betrayed, making bad decisions, making drunk decisions, drinking too much and counteracting with heavy exercise, eating lots of circle pizza, skipping class, having snow ball fights, and trying to figure out how to make Miriam Mills believe I was killing a fucking imaginary pig. He put Battle Studies out and it was like I suddenly had a soundtrack. That album brought my best friends and I together, it made me appreciate his artistry, it burned its spot into my heart, and to this day still acts as a mirror of my former self. I've been a loyal fan ever since and the new wave of music he just put out is so good it gives me the fuzzies.
Listening to him this morning put me in the greatest mood and it made my mind start racing about where I'm at right now. I'm entering this period of my life where I'm incredibly aware of my behaviors and my patterns and my motivations for action. I may not always be making the best decisions, or reacting the correct way, but I am getting much better at being able to determine why I do what I do, why I think the way I think, and why I feel the way I feel, and that is so important for growth. I'm starting to really love who I am. I've always loved myself, I've always rooted for myself, been on my team (because if you're not on your own team how the hell is anyone else supposed to join in?) but of course, over the course of 25 years, I've been mad at myself, disgusted at myself, annoyed at myself, and judged by myself. I'm reaching this point, where all of that is really kind of fading. I still wish I was better in social situations, I wish I weren't so skeptical of men, and I wish I could control my temper in my vehicle. But these are things I'm working through with the help of amazing friends and family and I'm really admiring who I'm becoming.
Your 20's are weird, y'all. Such a beautiful but weird period of self discovery, and experimentation, and vulnerability. I'm gonna be selfish for a minute and talk about being selfish for a minute because let's face it this is my blog and I'll be damned if Trump takes away freedom of speech, too. Probably the most important lesson I've learned in 2017, though the surface of this year has barely been scratched, is the vitality of selfishness. There's a fine line between being selfish and being an asshole, and learning that line is necessary. I know there are so many people in the world like me who've felt afraid to be selfish because how that may affect others. That is just wasted fear. I have wasted too much time in my life worrying about how everybody else around me feels instead of worrying about how I feel. I've learned this year that speaking your truth, no matter what comes next, is the best possible thing you can do for yourself. It has helped all of my relationships so much. I've done some pretty scary truth-telling in the last two months, some so scary that just the thought of it made me physically ill. But I'm better for it, and not for nothing but it feels pretty good to walk through life without the baggage I'd been carrying for years.
I don't know, you guys, I'm just really happy with the way life is going for me right now. I feel a new confidence and contentment with who I'm becoming, and focusing less on the way my body and face looks, and more about the way my soul comes across, and I feel so much more fulfilled.
And because I can't leave you without some type of visual representation for what's been going on, here's some photos I've taken recently!
We went to the Rose Bowl Flea Market and didn't buy much but we did a lot of people watching and laughing so it was a solid day if you ask me.
I hiked once in February and took enough photos to not hike until like April! Huzzah!
And then Jen turned 26, her dad came to visit and made us all pizza and everything was beautiful.
That's all I got here on The Jones today! Go forth and have a beautiful weekend you silly geese!
Xo