I've been depressed as of recently. There I said it. The elephant is in the room. I'm depressed. And for some reason, that's not okay to talk about?
I've been nervous to reach out. I'm nervous to reach out to my parents because I don't want to worry them, I'm nervous to reach out to friends and not get the response I need, I'm nervous to reach out to friends and scare them away. Because, to be honest, what I've been feeling is scary, isolating, and downright exhausting.
Then today, amidst an episode, I turned to the internet, as my generation does when we need a solution, and typed in, "what to do when you're depressed."
The fourth link that showed up on google was a site with the exact same name. "What To Do When You're Depressed." I read the entire thing, and the accompanying article "How To Help Someone With Depression," and I wept. It was the first time I had read something about depression, absorbed it, and felt not only not alone, but sane.
If you are someone who suffers from depression, you know how paralyzing and isolating you can feel. Your mind runs rampant with dark thoughts that don't serve you, you find the need to withdraw from interaction, you find you can't muster up the energy to do much besides lay down watching TV. You feel alone, and you feel insane.
The stigma surrounding mental illness is distracting. We're afraid to admit when we're not okay. We're afraid to admit when things aren't all rainbows and butterflies. People look at people with depression or anxiety or any kind of mental illness and can't understand. Well, do you UNDERSTAND cancer? Do you UNDERSTAND Lyme's Disease? I'll bet you don't. But I'll bet you if someone told you they had cancer you wouldn't question it, and you'd support them. Why is mental illness any different?
In the article, Steven (the author) calls depression the "energy-sucking flu." He says, "it shows up when it shows up, gets better when it gets better, and has funky side effects. It's not contagious, and you're not going crazy. You're fine, sane, and totally normal. You've just got the weird energy-sucking flu."
I think that's fucking brilliant. I seriously wept reading this because I felt like wow okay so many human beings feel what I'm feeling and I'm not a psychopath who needs to be medicated or sedated, this is just a part of human existence and I've got the energy-sucking flu and when I'm over it then I'll be over it!
Clearly, I'm not over it. I'm depressed today and I've been depressed for a few weeks and I could be depressed for weeks more. But acknowledging your illness as JUST THAT, an illness, is the first step in realizing you will be okay. I'm in a rut, I know that. But I know I will be out of this rut one day.
I took to my blog today not to ask for sympathy, far from that actually. I came to my blog today because I feel a responsibility to spread the wealth. I don't want to only write about the great things that happen in my life. I want to write about it all. I want to document it all. Because life isn't just about the rosy rainbow-y butterfly parts. Otherwise Noah and Allie would never have broken up in The Notebook. Life is about all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly, and I always want this blog to represent that.
People aren't talking about mental illness nearly as much, or as openly as they should. Being mentally ill should not come with guilt or shame. You're not crazy. You just have a bug. And like a bug, you have to treat it. You have to find your support, find what works for you, and squash that bug. It is not everlasting; it is not permanent. It is manageable, and IT IS NORMAL.
If you're reading this and you feel like you don't have someone you can reach out to to talk about issues like depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, etc., please feel free to comment below. You're not alone, I'm here, and I've probably had every thought you've thought you were crazy for having yourself.
Have a beautiful week, and keep on keepin on. <3
xoxo