an open letter to cancer

Dear cancer,

I am so fucking sick of you taking lives that don't deserve to be taken.  Who do you think you are, tearing into people's lives, destroying them, and leaving the surrounding lives perpetually picking up the pieces?

You don't have to know me well to know how proud I am to be from New Jersey.  But what I don't talk about maybe as much as I should is my pride in my hometown as well.  Roselle Park, New Jersey.  Nothing to brag to the travel bloggers about, but for the people inside, it's so much more than a town.  My childhood was unique, and it was rare, and I don't put that lightly.  I graduated with 150 kids.  You could walk from one end of my town to the other in just about an hour.  Of course, there was cattiness and drama and shit-talking and back-stabbing, like any childhood anywhere in the world.  But when shit counted, we came together.  

My graduating class (we fly high) dealt with more grief than many adults do, before we even turned 18.  By our senior year of high school, grieving losses became almost a part of our after-school activities.  We lost peers, parents, friends.  And each time, we hugged each other.  We consoled one another.  We held each other up.  We drank E&J in their honor.  We held walk-a-thons to raise money for research.  In such dark times, we repaired together, and it was some of the most beautifully bittersweet times of my life, that made me simultaneously so angry but so proud to be where I'm from.  How many communities can say that of themselves?  

You'd think my little town full of heart would have suffered enough.  You'd think we'd be given a pardon.  But no.  You had to stomp your big ass feet back into the innocent life of a harmless and wonderful individual, just because you could.  

Another life taken entirely too soon.  A life of potential, of so much joy and positivity.  A friend of mine since pre-school, and a friend to so many in my little town.  It hurts me that I live in California and can't be with my community to hug and console and hold each other up in this grieving period.  It hurts me that I can't offer my condolences to his mother, whom I've known since before I could tie my shoes.  It doesn't feel right.  But what I can do is try to express my condolences to his family and closest friends through the words I'm writing here.  What I can do is donate to the research to end this horrifying disease.  And what we can all do, is keep Tooch alive in our hearts, and through our characters.  Everyone who knew him knew the positivity that radiated out from his soul.  Cancer, you may have taken him away from us, but he'll live on through the people he loved the most.  And that's something you CAN'T take away.  And that's something I'm proud of.  

To Chris's family and dearest loved ones, I can't stop thinking of you, and wishing for your peace.  I cannot say I'm sorry enough, and I can't wait for the day when there are no more beautiful souls taken by this ugly, ugly, culprit.

Fuck off, cancer.

(If you are able and willing, I'm linking the American Cancer Society donation page here.)

17 things I learned in 2017

Here we are, at the last day of 2017.  I'm sure this year represented different things for every person, but I assume we can all agree that as a nation, 2017 might actually be one for the books.  Like when our kids have kids and they're in US history, I wouldn't be surprised if they were reading about some of the SHIT that went down this year.

I'm not one for "New Years Resolutions."  I just like to look at the year as a whole that is passing, and the year as a whole that is coming, and decide what stays and what goes.  What habits die with the passing year, which people not to take into the new year?  What happened in the last year that I'm proud of?  What am I not proud of?   Things like that.  

2017 for me was huge.  At the start of 2017 I made a promise to myself that this would be the year that separates my past from my future.  When I become a woman and my dreams have come true, I will be able to look back at 2017 and know that that's when everything changed for me.  I think it's pretty safe to say I was right. 

 

My 2017 included:

Finally moving into my first LA apartment
Beginning working for Home Free
Enrolling FINALLY in an acting class that I LOVE
Buying a brand new car
Getting a kitty!
Saying goodbye to someone I loved when I knew my heart wasn't being taken cared of
Going on tons of unforgettable trips
Booking and filming my first short film!!!!

It was a truly outstanding year for me.  A lot of highs, a lot of lows, and some of the biggest life changes that I've come across.  Some years, when you look back on them, are hard to remember.  This will not be one of them.  But of course, with a year as outstanding as 2017 has been for me, come a lot of lessons.  So I figured I'd jot down some of them here.  17 things I've learned in 2017.  Now, I'm not totally clear on whether I learned all of these things for sure in 2017, but they are 17 things I know to be true, so go with me.

17.  Cats are way better animals than I ever gave them credit for. 

I used to think they were just bitchy, lazy animals who were plotting your murder, but now that there is a little furry friend running around our apartment, I have come to understand that cats are funny, complex, and really fucking cute.  LOOK AT THAT FACE!  She might still be plotting my murder, but she's cute so.

16.  Be financially responsible.

It's not cute to not understand how to budget.  If you don't know how much money is in your account, you probably shouldn't be buying those shoes and then asking mom and dad for help.  Keep records.  Stay on top of your shit.  You'll save a lot of money that way.

15.  Be the kind of friend you want. 

Take some time, think about the kind of friends you want surrounding you.  Think about times that a friend has upset you; don't repeat it.  Be the kind of friend you'd want for yourself, and ask for nothing in return.

14.  Adjust your expectations.

Your friends are not you.  Every human has different strengths and different weaknesses.  When faced with a situation, every human reacts differently.  You can't expect people to behave the way you would.  If you can't accept that you'd better make a lot of money so you can make yourself a group of friends out of your own clones.  Accept and embrace what is different, and you'll be a lot less disappointed, and there'll be a lot less friction in your relationships.

13.  Family is the most important thing.

Whatever kind of family you come from, they are the first people who knew you and loved you.  Whether there is bad blood or good, it made you who you are today.  When all else is gone, your family is there.  There is no bond like it.  Make sure to take care of those who have taken care of you.  

12.  Do not fear instability.

If your routine is holding you back from something you desire, do not be afraid of a little instability.  No one you look up to in this world ever got anywhere by avoiding risk and watching life pass by.  If you are putting the energy out into the world to achieve something, you will achieve it.  But you have to try.

11.  Read more.

It's good for you.  Put down the cell.  Put down the remote.  Light a candle, make tea, and read a few chapters.  It's quite healing for the soul and quite expanding for the mind. 

10.  Try new things, no matter your age.

Did you know you can learn a language for free using an app?  (It's called Duolingo, I use it all the time and I'm almost 50% fluent in Italian FOR FREE.) Don't get caught up in thinking you're too old to learn or try something new.  Pick up a guitar, learn some chords.  Learn how to cook, for fucks sake, learn how to cook.  It's not cute to have no hobbies or skills, and it's never too late to take up something new.  

9.  Right and wrong isn't as black and white as we used to think.

Even the worst people have backstories, and even the best people have secrets.  The older we get, the harder it is to determine the right choice.  That’s because there is no right choice, morally.  We are who we are and we make the choices that we make and deal with what comes next.  That's life.  And it's chaotic and messy, but it's a perfect chaos.  We have the luxury and the power to create our own destiny, and every choice takes us one step further on our perspective paths.

8.  Regret is wasted energy.

If you don’t like a choice you made, you can change it.  If it’s in the past and you can’t change it, well what the hell are you doing focusing on that instead of what’s going on right now?  Learn from it.  Grow.  Become a more well-rounded and wiser person.  If we all made every decision correctly, we'd be a bunch of Stepford Wives walking around with no immunity to rejection.  It'd be boring, and it'd be pointless. 

7.  Know the difference between alone and lonely.

There is a huge difference between the two.  If you can't tell the two apart, you need some learning in the art of being alone.  Learn to love time by yourself.  You are all you have at the end of day.  If you can't tolerate hanging out with yourself, how do you expect others to? 

6.  Don't make excuses.

It helps no one.  Most people can see right through them, and you're only holding yourself back.  Don't let your ego be the reason you don't achieve everything you deserve.

5.  LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER.

Do your research before you open up your big mouth about subjects you know nothing about.  Read opposing arguments.  Don’t just fill your head with one side of things.  That’s ignorance.  Learn to tolerate people who are different than you and respect their opinions.  That’s where change comes from.

4.  Clean your room.

Just do it.  You'll be happier, I promise.  This is coming from a girl who used to not be able to see her floor.  A messy room breeds a messy mind.  Turn on your favorite album and just clean the damn room.  You'll be so thankful to yourself that you did, and you'll be so much more productive.  Your bedroom should be the place you escape to.  You should love being inside your bedroom.  It should be the place that you unwind and relax in.  How can you unwind and relax amongst piles of clutter?  You can't.  Clean the room.  

3.  Support your friends.  Support your friends.  Support your friends.  Support your friends.  Support your friends. 

I can't stress this enough.  Who wants an unsupportive friend?  If you can't support your friends, you don't deserve your friends' support.  Applaud their successes, comfort them when they're down.  Don't compare yourself.  Be the friend you would want for yourself.  

2.  Eat whatever the fuck way you want to.

But don't be an idiot about it.  Be balanced.  Be indulgent, but not gluttonous.  Understand the consequences.  Be mindful of what you put into your body, because the way you treat your body is the way your body will treat you.

1.  If you love someone, tell them.

We've heard it said a million times, but we seldom listen to it.  We generally wait until the other says it first.  Brave are the souls who put themselves out there and say it first.  But guess what, I did it this year, and I didn't die.  And guess what else: I said it first and he didn't say it back, and I still didn't die!  In fact, being so vulnerable set me free.  I'm not going to say it's not painful to be rejected.  It fucking is.  But how liberating to know that you did something so many are afraid of and life keeps on going.  All that changes is that you're not holding back anymore and you're able to live freely.  Your heart tends to know things before your brain does.  It's a confusing concept.  But just like Cascada sung all those years ago, listen to your heart.  Your heart's the one without ego, so pay attention to it, and follow it.  

Well guys! That's it for my last blog post of 2017!  I'm going to be spending my day curating a vision board for 2018.  2017, be it a not so great year in US history, was an incredible year for me.  So many challenges, so many obstacles, and so much growth.  I'm proud of me this year, and I'm going to do my best to chase this feeling into the new year.  May 2018 be the year that sets your past apart from your future.  Thank you for reading post after post.  I can't wait for all this next year has in store!  

Be safe tonight you beautiful people!
Happy New Year!
XO

in repair

Headlights from cars in the distance wash over her face, projecting an art show for no one.  Each car that passes is someone on their way home from work, someone singing their favorite song, a family making memories, friends headed out for a late night snack.  Each one headed somewhere, carrying people she'll never meet who are having their own thoughts and feelings, like humans are supposed to.  There she sits, surrounded by familiar faces, heading somewhere, feeling worlds away.  Her friends speak, they laugh, the radio blares, yet she hears nothing.  Headlights shine, road signs pass, yet her eyes won't focus.  

That was the way I felt the first time I had my heart broken.  An irreplaceable pain, being as it was the first, but immature, being as it was so early on in my adult life.  Still, unforgettable.  I will never be able to let go of the way I felt sitting in that car, surrounded by friends, on our way to the adventure of the night, completely devoid of any sensory or emotional response.  I felt like my soul was hibernating; like I was just my body without thoughts, without feeling, without intelligence.  I was just there.  

It was freshman year of college, and it was the first time I had ever felt so insignificant.  In the years that have passed since that night, I have rebuilt and reinvented.  I have pretty much spent the last eight years placing bricks around my heart, acquiring the tools along the way to be able to handle the next time this feeling ever came my way.  But see, what I wasn't recognizing, was when I thought I was rebuilding, I was also alienating.  Becoming impenetrable.  Making sure I was becoming a strong enough woman to be able to handle anything, but in the meantime, bolting from any inkling of romance or vulnerability.  

Eight years later here I am, again in a car.  Again with headlights washing over my face and music blaring, registering no sight and no sound.  "This feels an awful lot like that one night," I thought to myself.  And then it hit me like a freight train.  My heart, the one I spent eight years protecting; the one with the brick wall, had been crumbling at such a rate that I didn't even see it happening.  

This break made the last break feel like toddlers-in-a-sandbox kind of love.  It's deeper, it's harder, it's more disorienting, more consuming, more isolating.  Because when someone finds a way to slip through cracks in the fortress you've built around your heart, you hope it's for a fucking reason.  You figure, it takes an incredibly rare and special connection to open what's been closed for so many years.  This must be it.  This must be what people wait for, what songwriters write about. 
All signs point to yes. 
.
.
.
And then he says no. 
And you realize he means never. 
And you feel pathetic and small and unattractive and disappointed to join the ranks of the unrequited and devastated adjusting the person you thought was your future to just a someone of your past and wasteful because you let yourself believe this was worth fighting for and now you're just stuck worrying that if someone so perfect for you doesn't want you...
Will anyone?

I'm not the first to feel this way.  Someone's heart breaking is an incredibly mundane occurrence.  It's an important part of maturity, and it doesn't make you special or rare to be going through it.  

That doesn't mean we know how to deal with it.  That doesn't make it simple.  That doesn't make it heal faster.  We heal at our own pace, and we grow and learn when we're ready.  The timeline is specific to each individual, and there are no rules.  

I've recently been navigating through my life like an iPhone on Low Battery Mode using Snapchat.  Becoming drained so easily.  Preserving energy by setting myself to Airplane Mode.  At times, lifeless and useless.  I know it's hard to be around me, I can feel it.  But I can't shake it.  At least not yet.  And that's okay.  For now.  Because a loss so significant is not something we know how to navigate.  Until we figure it out on our own.  And with the tight knit support of my innermost circle, I'm getting there.

If you are reading this and your heart is or has been broken, give yourself some fucking credit.  Hell, give yourself a standing ovation.  Cause this sucks.  It's an emotional pain so intense you can feel it physically.  And I'm sorry you have to feel it.  Whomever it was that hurt you, whatever hurtful words were said that are burnt in your memory, however long it takes to get to the other side, know that you are brave and you are beautiful and you are significant.  Forgive yourself for the setbacks, we all have them.  Allow your mind wander to him/her and acknowledge every feeling that surfaces.  Let your heart manifest itself in whatever way it wants, and then nurture it and comfort it.  Be kind to yourself.  You are becoming the you that you will be for the right person.  You are strengthening the heart that is going to be taken much better care of by someone who is ready for it.  

So watch your rom-coms, listen to Sam Smith, shed your tears, light candles, take baths, scream into your pillow, go on runs, eat ice cream, house a bottle of wine on a Tuesday night, write every thought and feeling down; heal whatever way your heart calls for.  Accept what you're going through and feel every second of it.  In doing so, you may just open doors you never saw coming.  That's where I'm at right now.  And it's really hard and I'm really sad but it's all okay.  I'm trying to accept what happened to me and turn it into something beautiful.  

I'm in repair for now.  There'll come a day when I'll be totally healed and I'll look back on this time as something to be grateful for because I learned and I grew and I strengthened and matured.  Til then, I'll be watching The Holiday, housing pints of Halo Top, and belting along to Sam Smith.  Til I'm on the other side.  

Thanks for letting me open my heart.  It's not simple, but it's the way I heal.  Do something nice for someone this weekend.  You never know how much they might need it.