processing

Woke up this morning with a brick on my chest. Checked my phone and Kobe’s death wasn’t the top trending story on twitter anymore. Replaced by impeachment trials…back to reality. Instagram feed looks back to normal. Memes, witty captions, and selfies. Because life goes on, and it should. But all of it feels so meaningless to me.

I am not a basketball fan, so I honestly don’t know that much about Kobe Bryant. I do know that his is the name that we call out boastingly as we successfully toss our rolled up paper towels into the trash can. And I do know that the day of his last game, every sports bar in Los Angeles was packed out with people wanting to be able to say they witnessed history. But honestly, that’s about as far as my knowledge extends.

And yet I sit here, feeling so much. I learned more about Kobe’s life after it ended, and to see the global reach he had as a hero, the intellect and respect he exuded, and the second act he was only beginning as an activist and a father was stunning to me.

For someone who knew so little about him, I feel taken aback. I feel inappropriate jumping back into social media; I cannot stop thinking about his wife and daughters, and the families and friends of the other seven souls lost yesterday. Society is already trying to move on to the next thing, but their grief has just begun. I haven’t bounced back to the social media routine because it feels so wildly unimportant to me at the moment.

But, this is not the first time I’ve reacted this way to a celebrity death, or a non-celebrity death for that matter. I knew barely anything about Mac Miller, and I had the same reaction. I shed tears, my heart burst for his loved ones and fans, and I couldn’t move on as quickly as the world seemed to, and I didn’t actually understand why.

In these trying times, I can never seem to stop thinking about those closest to the departed as soon as the world seems to. It affects me longer than feels appropriate, especially given that I don’t know these people personally. Why is that? Is there anyone who feels me on this?

I’ve been accused before of having an inappropriate reaction to a death of someone who I knew but not as well as others around me. Almost like I didn’t have the right to cry or feel so deeply because there are people more deserving of that sorrow. Like I’m trying to make it about me. I hate that. I like that I feel so deeply. Empathy is a quality that I’m proud to have. I don’t want to have to bury emotions when they are swelling inside. I take pride in being as grounded and connected as I am and if that means that when others hurt, I hurt…then I’m willing to bear that cross.

I scrolled and scrolled through tributes to Kobe yesterday. I think I’m realizing literally right now that there is so much beauty that comes immediately following the passing of someone we love and respect. There is so much love put out into the universe immediately following a tragedy. There is love being given to the families of the departed, there are memories of the good times being talked about, and there are strangers becoming community to hold each other up. I find it hauntingly beautiful that there are those in this world we love and respect so much that to lose them it is unimaginably painful. Aren’t we so lucky to care about others to that capacity? There is so much light following the dark and I think I like to just live in that a little longer.

I guess I’m putting this out there because it’s where I’m at and I feel like the brick is being lifted from my chest as I type this all out. This has always been the way I process my emotions and I refuse to stifle that because someone else might not like it. I also believe there are other empaths out there who grieve like I do and I don’t want you to feel like your grief is inappropriate or “too much.” There is space in the world for people like you and it’s okay if you still feel heavy today and tomorrow and as long as it takes. Keep feeling all the feels. Hug your loved ones so tight and don’t keep shit in. You never know what moment is your last. Don’t spend a day in regret. Say what you need to say and love fiercely. And grieve at the pace you need.

My whole heart goes out to the families and loved ones of Kobe and Gianna Bryant, John, Keri, and Alyssa Altobelli, Christina Mauser, Sarah and Payton Chester, and Ara Zobayan. May you find light in this darkness.

a costless getaway

As I embark on this next calendar year, there are habits I want to die with 2019 and habits I’d like to adopt. Something I want for myself in this next year is to never feel bored. People who are bored have only themselves to blame. I know because a lot of my 2019 was spent bored. I used the “but I have no money” excuse. You don’t need money to have fun. It helps, sure. But think about children. Do they have money? Do they only know how to have fun when money is being spent? No. They have their wild imagination to keep them occupied and they’re having more fun than any of us. Life is too short to spend time in boredom.

So, I wanted a little getaway that wouldn’t cost me anything but would excite me, fulfill me and lift me up.

I did my research, chose San Juan Capistrano, and headed out the next morning.

San Juan Capistrano is a town about an hour and a half away from Los Angeles, just east of Laguna.

The reason I chose it was the old mission there. I am not a religious person by any means. It’s just not for me. I am, however, and old-ruins kind of person. And I was so excited to shoot somewhere like that. Los Angeles is so new in the grand timeline of the world, and I looked forward to seeing something outside my norm.

I woke up, ate breakfast, queued up my favorite podcasts, and made the drive down.

Immediately upon parking, I knew I’d made the right choice. I went for the mission but the whole town was adorable! Looked like a quaint but somehow still vibrant old town, where people smile at each other and take their time.

I had both my film camera and my iPhone and took photos on both.

When I pictured the mission, I pictured myself walking around freely snapping photos with no distractions.

Apparently the day I chose for my little getaway was also the day that 8,000 classrooms in Southern California chose for their little getaways. It was class trip CENTRAL down there. I’m talking hundreds of little rascals running around, not listening to their chaperones and tour guides. I can’t emphasize enough how many children were here.

I mention this for two reasons.

The first being that this day was a lesson in patience. I could so easily have gotten immediately frustrated and turned off from taking photos and having a good time. But I had driven all the way, and this day was supposed to lift me, so I chose to look at it as the universe giving me a laugh.

The second reason I bring this is up is so you can all be super impressed with me when you see that these photos make it look like I actually was the only one there. For some of these photos I’d wait minutes on end in the same spot with my eye at the viewfinder just for a clear shot.

This next photo in particular, I waited at least 3 minutes in this spot. Droves of children just kept walking through this corridor, but I knew I wanted this photo bad enough to wait. And, no joke, 5 seconds later, another group of kids rounded the corner. I was so damn pleased with myself.

A lesson to all photographers: if you have the idea, take the shot. Even if you have to wait for it. Don’t say “forget it, it’s taking too long, it’s too difficult.” Wait for it. Make it happen. It’ll either be worth it or it won’t, but don’t be the photographer who doesn’t at least try!

Like, how stunning does that place look? You don’t have to be religious to appreciate that kind of beauty.

For the So-Cal based, I highly recommend making the drive if you want a low-key, relaxed day trip.

After I left the mission, I walked to the most adorable little street full of shops and cafes. It’s called Los Rios Street, and it’s almost like a block party the way people just walk so casually in the street, ping-ponging across to each storefront. If I was planning to have a meal here, I would have had it here, at the Humminbird House Cafe. But, as I said, I was aiming to have a cost-less getaway, so I just admired and took mental note for next time. How cute is this place, though?

This dog was just people watching from his house, and I was like, “we get each other, you and me.”

On the way out I drove past this building and pulled around the block to park and take photos of it. As a former architecture student, I fell in love. No idea what business this building houses, but I want to work there.

I want more of this in 2020. I know I make it sound easy; saying you should never be bored, when here I am reporting from Southern California, where there is no shortage of sights to see. But I truly believe to get out and see the world around you is wealth, and we all could take a little bit more advantage of it.

At the end of the day, I spent $10 to get into the mission, and I filled my gas tank, which would have happened the next day anyway. I had an incredibly inspiring and fulfilling day for $10. There’s no excuse!

Also, it’s glaringly obvious to me, but I’m curious to see if you guys can spot which of these were taken on the iPhone and which were my film camera!

Comment your guesses below I’ll send one lucky winner a print of whichever photo you choose. How’s that sound? :)

That’s all I got. Til next time. Make today count folks!

xo

first of the roll vs. last of the roll

These days, my “camera roll” is how I track my life. When did I meet so and so for coffee? Camera roll. Did I go on tour before or after so and so event? Camera roll. It’s become my timeline, and I highly doubt I’m alone in that.

Adam gifted me my very first film camera at the end of summer, and I’ve already gone through ten rolls. I feel like the photos from the film camera capture my timeline in a more significant way. My camera roll has progress picture of my plants, low quality photos of every animal I’ve ever interacted with and screenshots of books I want to read. My film archives are comprised of only special moments because I don’t take the camera out for just anything.

Reflecting on the year that’s just ended, I was going through my film archives and it made me think about the significance of the first photo of the roll vs. the last photo of the roll. There’s the obvious significance of the time that has passed between the first and the last photos, but there’s something else that attracted me to the idea. I’ve never thought more about exactly why I’m taking a photo as I have since I’ve started shooting film. Sometimes, I’m just trying to finish a roll to get it sent out to the processing lab, and sometimes I sit there waiting for the perfect moment for minutes at a time.

I thought it’d be fun to compare the first photo of the roll to the last photo of the roll for each of my first ten rolls, and explain why each photo was taken. It’s a simple and fun way for me to track my progress as a photographer, but also hopefully demystify the art a little bit for those who might want to give it a try.

Here goes nothin..

first of roll one

Funny how the first photo ever taken on my film camera was not taken by me, but of me, by my favorite person. This was essentially a test shot, because I had just opened the box it came in and the two of us were so excited about our new toy that we just wanted to try it out immediately. Here I am, lookin pretty haggard, in my childhood home. Nothin special, but that’s the point of this, isn’t it?

last of roll one

This was my first experience with taking a photo just to finish the roll. Adam and I were on our phones searching for a 24 hour photo lab in New Jersey to try and get our photos developed before we headed back to California, and I took this of him in a cafe just to finish the roll off. Spoiler alert: never found a photo lab, but we did find a photo lab in Southern California that we just had to mail our roll to. We still use them. Shout out to The Darkroom. Turns out, I actually really love this photo, and I never would have taken it if I were in the middle of the roll of film.

first of roll two

Now, most of the first few rolls I was just so excited to own my camera that I wasn’t truly taking my time with shots. At least not as much time as I take now. It’s of the beach bar we love to go to when we’re down the shore in Jersey. Other than it being a place I have memories attached to, it’s a pretty unextraordinary photo that I really could have just taken a mental snapshot of. But, again, this is all a part of learning a new skill.

last of roll two

I’m pretty much location scouting every time I leave my apartment now. By the end of my second roll, I was looking for any excuse to take a photo, which just means I began focusing more on the beauty around me, which is never a negative thing. I was driving home from a friend’s place at the right time of day. Saw this building with the perfect palm tree shadow on a corner, and literally drove around the block to take this. I took it because I loved where the light was hitting the entire scene. The colors to me are quintessential Los Angeles. And because what I’ve always loved about film photography is its ability to capture mundanity in a striking way. This felt like that to me.

first of roll three

Adam was sick. I was taking care of him. We were cat-sitting for friends of ours. All of this led to a lot of down time around an apartment I’ve always thought was adorable. So, when Adam was taking a midday nap, I walked around the place snapping photos. This was the first of them.

last of roll three

The real reason I took this is because Adam and Reilly had already begun recording “Hurt” in the studio and I had to switch to a black and white roll of film for that project. The fact that Rowan was was jumping trying to reach the tree made figuring out what to use my last exposure on incredibly simple.

first of roll four

Literally moments later. If you want to see more of the photos from this project, there is a whole blog post on it called “flicker.” There wasn’t all that much thought involved with this exposure outside of knowing I wanted to get every angle I could. The plan was two rolls of film in two days. This is simply where I began.

last of roll four

Partly a throwaway exposure since the video shoot was about to begin and I didn’t want to have to switch rolls once they’d started for fear of missing a moment. But also I was just loving the pine cones growing on these burnt trees. I wish you could see this in color.

first of roll five

Jimmy, McKenzie and Reilly headed down the hill to start unloading the car. I just liked their positioning in relation to the background and was trying to make sure I got some variety so it wasn’t just 36 exposures of the video shoot. I ended up really digging this one.

last of roll five

The last photo of the roll and the last photo of the project. And easily my favorite last exposure I’ve taken so far. Sometimes everything just works in your favor. I waited to take this photo for a few moments. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was waiting for until they laughed and I knew and I snapped. There’s a certain magic about this photo to me, and I’m really proud I took it.

first of roll six

Because we were riding a creative high. Because we were at the end of a long day and were feeling celebratory. And because golden hour. And love.

last of roll six

I don’t know. I thought I was going to really love this photo because of the way it looked in real life, but for some reason I’m pretty underwhelmed by it. Maybe because sunsets are really never as beautiful in photographs as they are when you’re experiencing it with your eyeballs.

first of roll seven

My problem here was making the f stop too low, blurring the background too much. Some of the most beautiful parts of this scene were in the background. I was still in the phase where I thought I had to take at least one photo everywhere I went. If I were back in this spot right now I’d probably just take an iPhone photo and call it a day.

last of roll seven

You’ve seen this photo before on my last blog post. This is us in a pawn shop in Oklahoma City. It doesn’t really have anything to do with it being the last exposure; it just happened that way. I was taking at least one photo a day on tour and Oklahoma City just happened to fall on exposure 36 out of 36. If you read the blog about tour you know that I was trying to take a photo that represented the city we were in or at least the vibe of the day. I was sick and we were tired and this pawn shop stop was easily the most exciting part of the day.

first of roll eight

One photo per day on tour was still going on. This was the next day in Houston, Texas. It was my birthday and I was sick and I was trying to distract myself from all of it so I walked around looking for anything to take a photo of. I knew this would probably be underexposed but I wanted to try it out anyway, because you have to be willing to make mistakes to learn!

last of roll eight

San Antonio, Texas. I plowed through this roll on our Texas stops because I knew I had to switch to a black and white roll for when the guys were performing. I had hoped this would be a little less underexposed, but again, I really only took it to finish off the roll. This is Jenika in the production office of the day, right before the start of the show.

first of roll nine

My first time shooting a concert on film. I tried to do as much research as I possibly could about concert photography on film, but in the end, you have to learn from your mistakes. And I made plenty. Glad this is the first of the roll instead of some of the sad attempts that came after. I learned a lot but I don’t think I’ll be rushing to shoot more concerts with my film camera. It’s difficult and not super worth it for me. But I’m glad I gave it a go!

Last of roll nine

The guys at their signing line that same night. I got booked for the night to take photos of the show, and I only took the film camera on tour, so I had to go get film just for this. I planned on using an entire roll for the whole show. On the one hand, this was absolutely taken to finish the roll, but on the other, I planned to save one exposure for this moment. I was unsure if it’d even come out, but then again, I was unsure if any of the roll would even come out. If I could do it all over again, I’d have brought my flash.

First of roll ten

Austin, Texas! One of my favorite cities in the country. We had two days off there. My last two days on tour. This was taken at the Salt Lick BBQ, which is a little outside the city, and worth every second of travel. As soon as I licked the last drop of BBQ off my fingers, I went strolling looking for something to photograph. There was a cute little courtyard, and this fountain seemed like an easy choice.

Last of roll ten

Ahhh. This photo. My first attempt at a double exposure on this camera. And my only chance to get it right seeing as it was the last exposure. I did some research on how to properly meter to get the double exposure you’re going for, and still I failed. In hindsight, I should have made the entire first exposure the rocks instead of having it be half rocks/half sea and sky. If it were all rocks, the details of Adam’s face would have been brought out a little more, which is what I was going for. You live, and you learn!

I’m thinking I might turn this into a series. Every ten rolls, I’ll make a post about the first of the roll vs. the last of the roll.

What do you think? Leave your thoughts on if you enjoyed this format, and if you have a favorite photo.

I enjoy reflecting on my photography this way. Between the first photo of the first roll and the last photo of the last roll, you can see where I started experimenting and honing my eye. Hopefully it gets even more honed and experimental from this point on!

Thank you as always for reading! Have a kickass weekend!

Do something outside your comfort zone today!

xo